Welcome!!! I have decided to take a journey deep into my inner self to discover a deeper sense of peace and maybe even to get some of life's most puzzling questions answered. Feel free to join me on this journey and leave your thoughts...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Light-Skinned vs. Dark-Skinned Battle: Who’s winning it?

At a very young age, children constantly feel the need to define themselves, and they will look outwardly to do so. They are looking to put themselves into a category, sadly to follow and become someone else’s expectations for themselves. When the child or adult grows into, or becomes the embodiment of that stereotype or pre-conceived notion about themselves, it is called a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The stereotypes have become so ingrained that it’s not about hate anymore. The hateful words, actions, and thoughts have come to be the ordinary and the effects of them, which are passed on from generation to generation, are pervasive, most times subtle, but many times blatantly obvious.




Sadly, there has not been enough peer-reviewed scientific research which examines the role that mainstream media plays in perpetuating and spreading colorism (skin-color bias). I am particularly eager to see a widespread, peer-reviewed study which measures how prevalent skin color preference or skin color bias is throughout mainstream media markets. It would be interesting to see how the mainstream media markets would respond to darker-skinned individuals getting more leading roles and “face” time.

An Education on Colorism with Kiara Lee


My Personal Colorism Story

I don’t have a short and sweet or quick story to sum up my experience as a dark-skinned girl. I experience the negative affects of it every single day! I never know when someone is going to bring it up in regular everyday conversation.

The most common statements I hear about myself and other dark-skinned individuals:
1. “She is so black.”
2. (rolls eyes) “…with her black self.”
3. “He was black and ugly!”
4. “She’s a pretty brown.”
5. “She’s the kind of pretty dark black girl.”
6. “Damn girl, you get BLACK in the summertime!”
7. “You shouldn’t date him. Y’all’s baby would be so black!”
8. “Your hair is nappy.”
9. “She needs a perm.”
10. “The best-looking people are not too light or not too dark, they’re in-between.”

Men sometimes compare me to Oprah, saying that I’m dark-skinned and overweight like her, and that if I were to become rich like her, my life would be easier.

And the most annoying one of all, “You’re not dark.” :-( Total Fail!



One of my biggest struggles with this has been...

“Should I take it personally?” I said to myself, and I heard from others, that maybe the cause of the mistreatment was something else about me, not related to my strong African racial genetic disposition. So I thought, “If I were not dark, what negative comments would I hear most often about myself?”



One preconceived notion about me that I hate is...

People think I’m automatically jealous of light-skinned girls because I’m dark-skinned! Right! Those with a self-hating mentality (light or dark) are not able to believe that I could be dark-skinned with nappy hair and not want what the light skinned girl with “good” hair has...and so then there is a lot of disrespect that goes along with that pre-conceived notion about me.

Personally, I can only be friends with light-skinned Black women who are aware of and sensitive to these issues. The light-skinned women who are not sensitive of the feelings I might have about this issue, hurt me oftentimes because they actually enjoy the type of privileges they can receive for being lighter-skinned (closer to White) and tend to force the negative stereotypes onto others. When you first meet someone and automatically assume that they are jealous of you, it seems to be that you are really the one who holds the bias.

I appreciate the light-skinned people in my life who treat me with respect, kindness, love, and who tell me/show me that I’m beautiful and accepted just the way I am...who stand up for me, and who reject the notion that they are better because they are lighter.



One of my biggest concerns is...

Maybe the man I fall in love with will not want to have a child with me because they don’t want a dark-skinned child. I love dark-skinned Black men (and all other types of men actually), but I know that many seek to dilute their African genes as much as possible so that their children will be lighter. A couple of Black men have told me that they did not want to have a baby as dark as them.



Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s “Stages of Grief”

I think the grief comes from the feeling of rejection as well as the feeling of shame. Shame is the feeling that you are wrong, not that you’ve done something wrong. For example, because God made you dark, you automatically qualify as a stepping stool for someone else lighter, or you’re hated, or you're picked over. Grief also comes from seeing others being favored for their lighter skin and more Caucasian genetic features, while you deal with being rejected because of your darker skin and African genetic features.

Denial “Racism doesn’t exist anymore.”
"Chocolate colored skin tone is not really considered to be dark-skinned."

Anger “White people are blue-eyed devils.”
Fight or Flight Emotional Response: "I don't like anyone with fair skin and I let them know it!"

Bargaining "I'll keep trying to be more favorable."
“If I lighten my skin or straighten my hair I will be more worthy.”

Depression "I give up."
“I hate myself because I will always be black, ugly, and rejected.”

Acceptance “Life is not fair, and even though I’ve been discriminated against or made to feel less than, I will live my life in a way that demonstrates love of self, love for others, and reverence for life, period.”
“Shit happens.” :-))-:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Medical Intervention

Anita Rani presenter of "Watchdog" and "The One Show" for the British television network BBC ONE, went on a journey with her cameras to find out why skin color issues are so prevalent in the world at large and why the skin-lightening industry is currently a billion dollar industry. She starts in her own family (of South Asian descent), with her own mother's preference for lighter skin.

What struck me most about Anita Rani's short documentary was the moment she surprised her mother with a painted on dark-skinned tan. The panicked mother actually shed tears because she thought her daughter had done something to make herself dark permanently. She was horrified. It was such a painful sight to her! The first question she asked her daughter was, “What did you do to yourself? Can you change it back?”

At that moment, I understood the deep psychological pain that Anita Rani's mother had experienced and suffered through and how she was now mentally and emotionally associating darker skin with extreme suffering. This woman had been so programmed and so conditioned to believe that lighter skin was better, that it manifest itself in a way that made her seem to be racist, hateful, self-hating at the least, and just plain odd (because of the extremes she would go to just to avoid getting a tan darker than the one she was born with).

I asked myself, “Is discrimination really so bad that I would put harsh chemicals on my skin or endure plastic surgery in order to look more White? For me, the answer is “No!” Thank God I have at least that much self-esteem and self-pride! Nevertheless, I realize that some people don’t.


Anita Rani, BBC One "Make Me White"






So, where do we go from here?

Someplace totally different!

I recently listened to Elizabeth Kubler Ross tell a story in which she was visited by the mother of a teenage boy. The mother explained that she and her son always fought about him wearing a dirty t-shirt, which he never washed. The mother said she was ashamed of what the neighbors would think of their family and she said that she even hated to see him coming because she could smell how filthy the shirt was. Then one night, as her son left the house to go to a party with friends, she stopped him and said to him that if he were to get into a car accident and die that night, she would bury him in that dirty t-shirt. The mother decided not to let the dirty t-shirt ruin the relationship she had with her son.

So the moral of the story is this: We are blessed with people in our lives and we let something as superficial as skin color and hair texture, or even a dirty t-shirt, ruin our relationships with the people we love. So the challenge for all of us is to learn how to be our highest selves and live our lives with all the love we can create.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Living With Injustice

My question:

What is the best way for a person to live and navigate through the waters of injustice?

I don’t know the complete answer. I can only speculate the answer based on the knowledge that I do have.


Lesson 1:

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. fought for civil rights for African Americans and he was assassinated. Would you say that he made the decision that was best for himself? What he did helped to pave the way for justice but it cost him his life. Would you fight to the death for a cause you feel is just or would you just choose to live your life by coping with and/or adapting to the injustice?

Famous Quote: “Give me liberty or give me death” – Patrick Henry

My answer: Brainstorm, determine the risks, make your choice, re-evaluate your choice.


Lesson 2:

Different serial killers have different motives/triggers. If you’re abducted by one, how do you determine whether your behavior will set them off and get you killed or get you set free? If you fight, kick, scream, and disobey your abductor, the situation may end in your death or the killer may set you free. Likewise, if you go along with your abductor’s wishes, the situation may end in your death or the person may set you free. There is really no cookie cutter response that is the right response.

There is definitely a time to fight and a time to be silent. A wise person may be able to recognize the time to fight and the time to be silent…but a truly lucky person will make the right choice at the right time.


Lesson 3:

I was in a situation once where I needed to obtain something from someone else. A friend told me, “I know it sucks, but just suck up your pride and do whatever it takes to get whatever you need, then you can move away from this situation and start over somewhere else with something that has made you a little bit better, a little bit more competitive.”

I look back on my life growing up, and no one gave me this lesson. I guess I expected life to be fair, and if it is not fair, then individuals have the right to fight for their rights, then all will be fair. Those were the lessons I was taught as a child. As an adult looking back on my life, I have learned that life is not fair and that sometimes when you choose to fight injustice, you will lose.


Lesson 4:

What I wish I had been taught…

The key to success is often knowing when to fight and when to be silent.

When a person is accused of and arrested for committing a crime, they are read their rights. They are told, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.”

There are times when people will accuse, judge, and convict you in their minds based on circumstancial evidence or no evidence at all. Though to them, you are GUILTY, bad, or wrong, beyond a reasonable doubt. And one thing you can be sure of is that anything you say, can and will be used against you.

There are safe places to voice hurt and frustrations and there are unsafe places to share yourself. You may want to be careful who you share yourself with, because everyone may not take the information you share and use it for good, they may take your story and try to use it against you.


Lesson 5:

Never let anger control you, motivate you, or be a driving force in your life, yet realize that anger is a natural and appropriate response in certain situations.

Know that some people push your buttons just because they can and they may try to use your anger to control you as if you were a puppet on a string. Horrible things have happened to me as well as you, but I cannot, and I will not, allow my life to be consumed with anger or to let anger dictate my path.





So, I will leave this discussion with a question:

What lessons would you teach about living with injustice?


Sunday, July 10, 2011

"Shades" -Wale ft. Chrisette Michelle

When I heard this, all I could say was, "Wow!"





Chip on my shoulda, big enough to feed Cambodia
See I never fit into they quotas
Sneakers wasn't fittin' and my knees needed lotion
Long before I knew the significance of a comb
I roam like foam with no vocal reception

Immigrant parents had me feeling like a step-kid
And black Americans never did accept me
That's why I thrive so much winnin' respect, dig
I never fit in with them light skins
I thought the lighter they was, the better that they life is

So I resented them and they resented me
Cheated on light skin Dominique, we were 17
I figure I hurt her she'd evidently hurt me
And all women who have light features see
I never let a light broad hurt me
That's why I strike first and the first cut's deep

From a light skin girl to a dark skin brotha
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Boy, you so beautiful, boy, you so beautiful
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Honey brown, caramel, coffee brown, chocolate
Toffee, pecan, licorice, boy, you so beautiful

Just another knotty head, nigga
Hoping Wes Snipes make my life a bit different
In middle school I had the right to be timid
I had beautiful words but girls never listened

Listen, blacker the berry, sweeter the product
Well, I'm fruit punch concentrate and they water
Walk into my room thinking how to make moves
Ain't thinking like a student but how Ice-T do it

Light dudes had the girls looking there
Aw yeah, it's not fair, the ones with the good hurr
Couldn't adapt to naps I wore caps
They napped and slept on me

Man, I hate black skin tone
I wish I could take it back or rearrange my status
Maybe if I was khaki, associating light skin with classy
The minstrel show, showed a me that was not me

From a light skin girl to a dark skin brotha
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Boy, you so beautiful, boy, you so beautiful
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Honey brown, caramel, coffee brown, chocolate
Toffee, pecan, licorice, boy, you so beautiful

They say black is beautiful
But ask them beautiful light girls
If it's black they attract to usually
What if Barack's skin was all black?
Truthfully would he be a candidate
Or just a black in community?

We as black dudes tend to lack unity
And them blacker girls ain't on the tube usually
Right now at 23 I ain't mad at them reds no more
But for long time I had gone cold blind

Full of my own insecurity, it was holding me
Back to reds, I ain't know how to act
They would get the cold shoulder
And know it was an act, a defense mechanism
What I thought that I lacked

From a light skin girl to a dark skin brotha
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Boy, you so beautiful, boy, you so beautiful
Shade doesn't matter, heart makes the lover
Honey brown, caramel, coffee brown, chocolate
Toffee, pecan, licorice, boy, you so beautiful

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Makings of Me: The foolishness that is Satoshi Kanazawa!

Makings of Me: The foolishness that is Satoshi Kanazawa!: "With the constant barrage of negativity in the media about black women, I decided to dedicate this post to encourage my beautiful African si..."

I love this article and I think she's a very beautiful girl! I love it when she writes, "Satoshi who? He must not have seen my friends before he wrote that article..."