Tonight I want to talk about meeting “The One.”
Ladies, it's time to take our power back.
Holding On.
Don’t hold on to relationships thinking that no one else will come along, ever. I know that people are tempted to stay in situations that they’ve invested in. It’s almost like buying a house… maybe the more money you spent on it, the harder you will work to remain in it… or maybe the more expensive the wedding, the more years you’ve dated, in other words…the more you invest, the more committed you are to making a positive outcome, no matter what. You’re committed to being together not because the person is all that great but because of the time, money, energy, effort you’ve invested in a life with the person.
If you are not happy and you’re fully committed (married w/papers to prove it), yes there is room for trying, depending on how bad the situation is.
But guess what? If you’ve never committed to the person…then the easier it is for you to walk away… Not only is it easier, but it’s probably best. Sure all couples have problems but if you are miserable together, what is the point of holding on? Before your health starts to suffer, and you lose more than you will gain…why not just leave and start anew with someone else or even just be alone for a while?
Letting It Go.
In the past I stayed with someone and put up with stuff I should have let go…but I was convinced that I would never find anyone else like him. And you know what? Maybe I was right. I still haven’t found anyone with some of his best qualities, but I am so happy that I don’t have to put up with his bad qualities. And I keep hope alive that I will find someone who made me as happy as he made me on his best days. I know that all the good was not worth all the bad.
I take responsibility for my own destiny and having the choice of who I want in my life and how I want them there. Who do I want to let into the most intimate spaces of my mind, my bed, and my heart? I gotta make sure that he’s the right person for the job. I gotta make sure he’s committed to making it work.
Ladies, let’s take our power back.
Am I going to play Russian Roulette or the slot machine today?
I have to talk about a few deal breakers for me. Domestic abuse is a deal-breaker. Physical or sexual violence, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse are things that I WILL stay FAR away from!
In the beginning there was…
My
#1 Pet Peeve is when a guy does not accept "NO!" for an answer.
I don’t understand why guys throw a tantrum when I reject their advances. If you can’t take “no” for an answer and you don’t even know me, then that is a sign that I need to run, not walk, in the other direction.
Another scenario is a guy throwing a tantrum when I’ve asked him to leave me alone. I might say to him, “There is no place for me in your world. I don’t belong there and I’ve tried for months. We’ve talked about it. This is not for me.”
For once in my life I’d like to hear in response, “Ok, I respect that. I respect your wishes. I care about you and would like for you to be in my life but I want to make sure that you truly want to be here. I want you to feel comfortable.”
I like Drake’s song “Take Care” when he says, “Call me when the baggage just ain’t as heavy.” He didn’t hit her over the head and say, “You’ve got baggage! Stop being a b***h! You need to drop that s**t and just give me what I want!” No, he was a lot nicer than that!
Not respecting my “No”, means that you don’t respect me. Period. Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T What does it look like? What does it feel like? Especially when I’m sure I gave you the “Let me be clear, NO.” There was nothing soft and playful about that.
Catch Him and Keep Him?
Once I actually bought and paid for this dating-help program by a man named Christian Carter called “Catch Him and Keep Him.” The focus of this program is on attraction and how women can use attraction to get their man to make a long-lasting commitment. According to Mr. Carter, in order to create long-lasting attraction and commitment you have to get Him attracted to you on a level deeper than just physical, because basically he can get that anywhere (or at least multiple places). So what exactly is it that Mr. Carter says will make Him commit to you for the long haul? Basically it is a deep sense of attraction, engagement, and emotional connection (a concept which men struggle with) that stems beyond anything you can conceive, buy, etc.
I’ve watched some of the videos and to sum it up, it seems that most important are, 1.) Emotional connection, 2.) Interpersonal relationship strength, and 3.) The feeling of just knowing something is “there.” If these are strong, my friend, your man will know that you are “the one” and will be more than happy to make a long-lasting commitment to you.
What have I learned from the Catch Him and Keep Him program? The 1st and final lesson I learned from all this: Attraction principles apply to men as well as women. So when “it” comes along, you’ll know. Therefore, I don’t care how big of a shortage of men there are, I will wait on one who I share a deep, long-lasting attraction with. Women, you have your list, and you have your rules, but when you’re deeply attracted to someone, you’re willing to break all the rules because you believe that there is a silver lining on the other side! (Guys, this does not mean that I want you to test me by trying to get me to break all the rules.)
Now, how you choose to express your heart’s desire is a different story…and that can be the confusing part for couples to figure out. But then, it’s all in the language…the communication, verbal and non verbal.
(Five Love Languages) Many try to imitate this connection, but it honestly is not something that is contrived. If it’s real, you know it. If it’s not real, then you’ll know you’re just pretending.
I think it’s very important for both men and women to find, “the one.” For women this is a lot harder because many times we settle, worried about our biological clock, scared that we’re running out of time, concerned that we may never find anyone as suitable as the one standing before us. We say to ourselves, “Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m chasing a dream that I will never find.”
And so we settle with the 1st one who says he’s willing to commit. Sometimes we settle with the one who only seems like he’s ready to commit with the hope that one day he’ll grow up and be the one we truly need. We hope and we pray that maybe we can change him or inspire him to love us more and to love being with us more. We say, “Wouldn’t we make a great family? Couldn’t we be together forever?” Yes. But what about having an attraction that is lasting, deep, and that goes both ways? I might look into his eyes and see a friend, a good friend, someone who is irreplaceable in my heart and mind, my best friend, even. But does that mean that the two of us need to get together? Just because his sex parts fit mine?
When friends and family ask, “Do you love him?” I might say, “Of course I do. He’s my best friend, but he’s not the one.”
Ladies let’s take our power back.
Loneliness = WTFever?
What is it about feeling that you need somebody, have to have somebody, need someone to complete you? Why submit to an overwhelming sense of loneliness and desire that causes you to date the wrong people, trust the wrong people, throw all caution to the wind and just say, forget it?! Like playing a slot machine at the casino, all you want to do is throw your hands up in the air and hope for the best.
A Desperate Woman’s Prayer
“God please favor me. I have a list and I’ve checked it twice. I’ve been carerful and I’m cautious but I’m still alone and soooo unhappy. God, I just need an escape, some relief. Even if I can’t really trust this person, what the heck? I just need someone right now. So I will settle and I will hope and I will pray that God, you will send me the relief I so desire: the feeling that there is someone out there for me who I can trust, who I can confide in, who I can make love to, who I can share my life with, who understands me, who accepts me, who makes me feel whole, who entertains me, who holds me and comforts me (even if it is through the telephone), and who spends quality time with me. I just pray that you give me this temporary relief Lord, to help me put my feet on the ground and to steady me during life’s storms, because Lord knows I so need this relief. I think He can be trusted but I’m not sure. God, help me. Help him to love me and cherish me the way you would. And if all else fails, and he is not the one, please send someone else for me to play with, to keep me busy, and to keep my mind occupied, to protect me and keep me safe from the evil that is loneliness. And maybe, just maybe, one day He will claim me as His own and I won’t look like a loser to my friends. Maybe we can start a family and I can have the children of my own which I’ve always desired. Maybe, just maybe, this could work out. Or maybe it won’t. But I feel powerless to do without, so I have to make this decision even if it doesn’t work out. I have to make it work, God.”
And there you have it… You enter into a relationship that is more than likely doomed to fail because you’ve thrown away your standards and committed to settling out of pure desperation.
A Miserable Woman’s Prayer
“Oh my God, what did I do? I just want to be free… Free from this madness. I just want it to be over. This game is not fun anymore. It’s too much. Now I feel like a prisoner in a cave and everywhere I go, there it is. There he is. Here we are. I’m trapped.”
Ladies, let’s take back our power.
Male Privelege: Who’s winning?
I can tell you that I understand your pain because I’ve been through it. Therefore my sympathies for you are endless and abundant.
Growing up, many days I wished that I could be a boy… It seemed like love and life were so much easier for them. They had power and privilege (which of course they argue they don’t have). When men chose they chose. When men are done, they’re done. But for women, things are different because it would seem that we actually need them more than they need us, so we invest in them more than they invest in us.
Historically, we needed Him to be a provider and to provide for us and our children. Now we are more independent and we just need Him to start a family with us so we can have children, so that we can attain the
coveted two-parent household. But oftentimes, he is not willing to commit and he just wants to 1.) Play games until the end of time. 2.) Tell lies. 3.) Make excuses. 4.) Deceive you into believing what is not the truth, that his bad behavior is all your fault and that there must be something wrong with you. So, the baggage you carry with you are remnants of the mind games that were played and the things that were said and done.
Protect your mind. Protect your heart. From the very beginning! Before you’ve invested too much!
If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable then leave. In general, if you feel uncomfortable, then leave. You have that right. Too many people will tell you to stay. They will say that you’re a better person if you can work through the conflict. But those people are not there in your shoes and are not destined to spend countless intimate hours with that other person. They don’t know everything about your relationship and you can never really explain it to them because it happened in real time.
So go if you need to go. Disconnect if you need to. No one has the right to tell you that you don’t deserve to think for yourself, that you don’t deserve to make your own choices, because in the end when you suffer the abuse, the humiliation, the low self-esteem and when you are the one left trying to pick up the pieces, probably all your advice-givers will have to say is, “Honey, you need to move on. He doesn’t want you anymore.”
You might ask in response, “You mean he’s not going to verbally and emotionally abuse me anymore? So why did I do this? Why did I stay? Why did I invest?” And they will say, “Because you loved him.” Your reply will be, “But you told me that as long as he showed that he wanted me, I should stay. You said I should stay and give him whatever he wants even if it hurts. But now he says he’s done, after all the children, after all the years, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore! After all that I’ve invested!” Your friend or family member then can only say, “I’m sorry honey. You have to move on.”
And it’s just that simple. He chose.
So now what will you do when your friends say these things? “You shouldn’t want to be lonely.” “You shouldn’t want to be alone all the time.” “You’re not looking at the wrong you’ve done.” “You don’t always have the nicest attitude.”
From the very beginning ladies, if you don’t want him, you don’t need him. And when you turn around and walk in the other direction you can say that neither the past nor the future matter in this situation because it’s over. “I choose.” Ladies, always remember, “To thine self be true.” - Shakespeare
You choose!
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